Monday, February 6, 2012

quarter of a century

Incase you are reading these blogs for the first time, I've decided to go through some of my old posting from the shooting of OCTOBER BABY so I can share the experience with you here and now. Hopefully you'll be entertained or touched in some way. The following post was from Monday, September 13, 2010.


Maybe it was because it was my birthday, or it may have been many other things, but yesterday was a day laced with many unique memories for me. Since shooting with my on-screen father, John Schneider, began at midnight last night, I had to make sure I spent Sunday resting. I was thankfully able to spend most of the day sleeping, but the breaks in between when I was awake were truly special. I got to wake up to my birthday twice, which was cool.

The morning began with a delicious meal purchased, prepared, and cooked by people in the house, but mostly by the efforts of Colleen, my dear friend and co-star in the movie. She really went all out with eggs, bacon, sauteed sausage and ground beef, grilled chopped onions and peppers, fresh avocado, organic salsa, tortillas... it was all mouthwatering. When I wrapped at 5am the following morning (technically the day after my birthday), the entire terminal of cast, crew and extras at the Birmingham International Airport sang the birthday song while I stood there blushing and beaming.

Mom sent York Peppermint Patties from Dothan, my family members called and said they're "I love yous" and their "Happy Birthdays" and Elias sang his three-year old heart out in what I would consider the most adorable attempt at the Birthday song.

All I could think all day long is how I am truly a rich woman.

baby cry cry cry

Another repost from the filming of OCTOBER BABY on Tuesday, August 31, 2010.


The sky is gray and the wind is cool and I can't complain. Call time isn't until 5pm tonight for me so I have some time to write. Everyone's out eating lunch or running errands and while I should be learning lines right now, I feel the urge to tell a story. I'm just like an amnesiac trying to get my senses back.

The scene we filmed yesterday was so unnaturally draining that when I finally got back to the production house, I found myself stumbling around the house as if drunk, desperate for a place to lay my head and sleep. I can't explain the exhaustion that comes with work on an emotional scene take after take after take. Andy's exact words were that I needed to appear "deflated and defeated." The problem was, it took a good nights sleep to find the air in my lungs again. After a swim and a hearty breakfast this morning, I feel much better.

Hannah (me) gained information about her biological mother's birthplace and went to find her. After a dry and nerve racking conversation with the receptionist to point her in the right direction, Hannah wanders through the hallways of the law office looking in both excitement and terror for the name tag that is her mother's. (I imagine if there is a soundtrack for that scene, the song would be laced with a calm and melodic beginning, accompanied with an easy build up in the chorus, (maybe a banjo and a cello) and finished in a subtle but moody minor key with no resolve. Music is so important for a scene like this.)

When she finally finds the right office, she pauses, takes a deep breath, and steps in only to find an empty office plastered in family photos and framed law certifications. Moments after she quietly surveys every detail of the room, her mother walks in.

I won't ruin the film for you, but I will say that the events following this moment are devastating.

Hannah snaps up and looks for the first tim into the eyes of her biological mother, who bares enough of a striking resemblance to her that even the audience will believe it's real, at least 20 times and hears the words, "I don't know what you are referring to... where you got your information from is wrong and I cannot help you. I'm sorry." In the movie, you will only see this happen once. But for me, I had to hear it 20 times. And I had to believe it with my face 20 times.

Then, everything turned to single-celled sadness.

My prayer is that I stay separate from who Hannah is. What a journey so far, though...

"I can't see the future but I know it's got big plans for me."

What do you see?

allergic to tuesday morning

Another repost from the filming of OCTOBER BABY in 2010. This post was from September 7.


A few friends from the cast and crew all graced the Alabama State Fair (doesn't hold a candle to the Dothan National Peanut Festival) with their presence last night, myself included, and I got a little more than I bargained for. Trying to save money and prevent myself from a nausea spell, I watched most everyone enjoy the rides while I held purses, cell phones, and drink cups on the sidelines. I didn't mind although it did feel mommy-ish.

The icing on the cake for the evening was when we discovered a cherished crew member of a name I will not mentioned showed he had an even weaker stomach than me and vomited on himself after a pretty awesome ride that I was able to join thanks to some people who surrendered some tickets. I watched him take off his shirt, wipe his face, and throw it away, and I felt empathy more than apathy because I know that feeling. Everyone watches you and feels sorry for you, and most of the time someone is smart enough to buy you a sprite or a coke to calm down the stomach. I wanted to be that person, so I got him a coke.

It felt good to know someone else gets it... someone else knows what it's like to get sick on a ride and throw up... to get sick in a 2o minute car ride in the back seat and throw up. I took with his vulnerability the opportunity to comfort myself in this knowledge.

We watched the "free circus" and I kid you not, it was one of the most bizarre things I've ever seen in my entire life. It wasn't your typical circus or your typical festival show. These people were from Budapest and they were on a mission to impress the audience, and it didn't matter if that meant surrendering their small children to do tricks on top of and in the mouth of an elephant. The kids could literally fold in half with acrobatic stunts and I found myself clapping without understanding why. The outrageous tricks and enthralled me to where I couldn't help but wonder how they trained the elephant not to eat the 11 year old girl hanging from her mouth as she circled the ring. It was fun to be confused. I was entertained.

So I've put on my favorite ugly t-shirt which is so old it bears holes but so soft I don't care. I'm ready to go to sleep. Being that I got around 5 hours last night, which is a ghastly amount for someone like myself who normally get's 8.5 to 9 hours a night, I'm doing pretty well to be up this late. Today, set was otherworldly. We filmed in the interior of what was supposed to be a rather run-down but well kept apartment and I'm telling you it was one of the most bizarre sets I've ever been on. We were in the metro-ghetto of Birmingham, Alabama, filming in non-air conditioned building that smelled of wet dogs and used bandages. The hallway in the apartment complex was laced with this moldy haze of what looked like a machine made fog and and you could literally see the musk floating in the air. Rhett said the location was "a last minute decision, " whatever that meant.

At this location, Hannah finds the apartment to the nurse who signed her birth certificate and asks her about her mother, hoping for some answers. What she finds is more than she was ready to swallow and it's almost too much for both of them.

Working with Jasmine Guy on the scene today was such a learning experience. She was sweating bullets on set, wearing a woolen sweater, and she complained not-a-once. I watched her facial expressions as she delivered the lines and it took all I had not to break down right there and begin weeping. She admitted to some pretty visually disturbing details about the failed abortion from which I survived and I couldn't help but imagine someone I loved in the moment. It worked, though, because I feel strongly that my performance wasn't fabricated and was in fact a direct response to the things she was sharing with me. That aided in the scenes authenticity and I was absolutely stricken with grief, frustration, and a rapid heart rate after each take of the scene, which is exactly what I believed Hannah would be feeling.

At one point I stuck my head outside of the door when I walked out of the camera's eye line, and right in front of me sat a man in an deep red Alabama sweat shirt who involuntarily became the recipient of my beautiful breakdown. I wasn't even suppose to cry in this scene, but I couldn't contain myself. The words, Jasmine's face, and the reality of the whole thing was so powerful that this man in the Alabama sweater was later on in the day asking if I was all right because of how he saw me react in the hallway. It's funny. You can be in the wrong place at just the right time. Turns out he really cared about how I was feeling and later asked me about it. I reassured him I was fine and that it was the intensity of the scene that broke me.

I hope I am always able to react this way to such shocking and disturbing truths as partial birth abortions. It's terrifying, really. A guy at the Starbucks drive-thru made a great point when he said that abortion is the most disguised form of genocide there's ever been.

After lunch and about half-way through filming something happened to my throat. I realized it was really sore on the inside, but in a different kind of way than when you have a cold. It wasn't just sore, it was tingling as if it were stretching or swelling and the back of my tongue had this weird sensation that I can't explain creeping up it. I was a few seconds into the discomfort when I realized I was having an allergic reaction to something I'd either eaten or inhaled while in that tiny building. The directors had a production assistant bring me a Benadryl to stop the reaction and thankfully I was able to go back inside and continue with the scene without any serious issues even though my pulse was beating around 100 times per minute. I could literally hear my heart pounding through my chest. I still haven't figured out what I was allergic to because the only time I've ever reacted to anything aside from sneezing was when I was eating mangoes off the trees in St. Croix (without washing them) and I had a topical reaction to the sap in their skins. Nothing but a rash though... no throat swelling or life threatening heart rate. It baffles me and I just don't know what happened.

Jon and Andy admitted to being completely exhausted emotionally and physically after directing the scenes with Jasmine and myself. This was a compliment because it meant what we did came to life and took form in a way that people weren't expecting. Even I wasn't expecting it.

That being said, it's time to recover and begin a new day. Goodnight.

wet feet and 1:00 am giggles

I thought it would be fun to repost some of my writing from when we were shooting OCTOBER BABY in 2010.This is a post from Thursday, September 2.


Andy's words to describe the scenes we shot yesterday were, "have fun with it!" What a tremendous relief to have even just one day of laughing amidst all these days of where Hannah is carrying the weight of the world on her shoulders and in her face. We shot on a rooftop for the opening credit scene and I was literally on one of the tallest high-rises in downtown Birmingham. I could see the world in a 360 perspective and it blew my mind. They made sure to ask if I was squeamish about heights first, which I'm not at all, but what if I had been? I've seen folks crawl on all fours in fear of being only five stories high. It's funny. Yesterday, I really felt like I could fly.

For the other scenes, I needed to act immensely uncomfortable sleeping in a hotel room with a guy. Even though he was on the floor and I was in the bed and nothing was happening or going to happen, I played it up to be as awkward as it would be for any homeschooled conservative Christian in that situation. The shots were hilarious! Of all the footage we've got so far, that's the scene I want to watch.

Later on we had to be hosed down and dripping with water when we come into the hotel lobby directly from having jumped in the water at the beach. But since, we have no beach here in Birmingham, make-up and wardrobe had to fake it. Unfortunately, last night wasn't the warmest of nights so I may have caught a cold says my stuffy nose and drainage this morning.

The servanthood on this set is so humbling. I watch everyone hustle around and work hard (because shooting a film is hard work, for every single person involved) because they believe in what Andy and Jon are doing and want to be a part of it no matter what it takes.

It is an amazing gift to be here. To be doing this. I am in awe each morning of what I wake up to. While Gabriel and I have to unfortunately spend this time apart, I know he is my biggest fan from across the ocean. He leaves endearing messages on my voicemail about how I am his favorite actress and that he wants to stalk me. What an overwhelming gift to have him support me the way he does. Even though we're 6,000 miles apart, I feel him right here with me.